I Hated God, But He Chased Me Down Anyway

Ajyeiwa, 23, London, United Kingdom

When my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, I became very, very angry at God. My mum and I had never had a proper relationship and I couldn’t understand why He would let her get sick before He’d fixed things between us. So, I turned my back on Him. And because I was in university, falling into sin was very easy. It began with alcohol but after a drunken near-death experience, I turned to drugs. I gradually moved from softer drugs to hard drugs…and before I knew it, I’d opened many dangerous doors.

I soon became involved in an abusive same-sex relationship. This ultimately led to estrangement from my family, self-harm, and an overall decline in my mental, spiritual, and physical health. Quite honestly, I was dying. I overdosed on numerous occasions, but God kept me. I also ended up at a number of occult parties, but again, God spared me. 

I still believed in God, but my heart was hardened. My heart hardened even more when I found out my mother had a brain tumour. I increased my drug usage and other self-destructive behaviors until I became suicidal. 

But on May 17th 2019, I had a life-changing encounter with the Lord. I knew that if I kept living the way I was living, I was going to die. So, I surrendered. I asked God to change my heart, heal me, and restore me – and He did! With His help, I quit the drugs cold-turkey. I also befriended another Christian, who also struggled with same-sex attraction. This friend introduced me to her church, where I was baptized. As I sought out community, I found favour with everyone I encountered; without a doubt, God was guiding and blessing me.

The Lord is continuing to restore me to this day. He restored my relationship with my family, though I later distanced myself to protect my walk with God. He even healed my PTSD and freed me from suicidal thoughts! I still deal with fluctuating low moods and anxiety, but Jesus walks with me. Hallelujah. I truly believe that my mental battle is the thorn in my flesh – though it’s painful, it drives me to the throne of Grace and keeps me grounded in His word. 

God is so good and He will be, forever and always. I finally understand that. He truly does love me. He loves us all. And He will restore us, if we let Him.” -Ajyeiwa, 23

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” –Isaiah 43:18-19