I Was Desperate to End My Life. Then, God Moved.

Tari, 25, North Carolina, USA

In 2018, I survived three suicide attempts. You might hear that and think I didn’t know God…but the truth is, I did.

I hit rock bottom at the end of a toxic relationship. I’d spent the past few years running myself dry in a graduate psychology program. In a sense, I’d been seeking to become an expert in the very things I was battling. At first glance, I was a Black woman who’d defied the odds and kept it all together. I was a graduate student and therapist in-training — I was the image of mental health. But in actuality, I was wrestling with self-harm and suicidal ideation.

Then, God showed up and He showed up BIG. He revealed the roots of my sorrow: the rejection, abandonment, and other childhood wounds that had been triggered by my previous relationship. It was during this time that the Lord revealed Himself as a trustworthy Person, allowing me to truly let Him in. I “knew” God before, but finally, our relationship was intimate. I saw Him for who He was: my refuge and the only source of life.

God turned even my most painful struggles into something good. So much has been revealed through my pain; because of the pain, I’ve witnessed the truth of His promises. Even my three suicide attempts have meaning — in them, I’m reminded of how Satan tempted Jesus on three different occasions. Each time, Jesus remained standing. Just as the Father sustained His Son, He continues to sustain me.

Quite honestly, I shouldn’t be alive right now. I was determined to end my life, but by God’s grace, my attempts were blocked. Thanks to therapy, my brothers and sisters in Christ, my family, and the Almighty God, I am now self-harm free. Not only that, but I and my story are tools of the Lord. My story, which I published last year, is bringing healing and deliverance to many.

Today, my identity is rooted not in my painful past, but in my status as a beloved daughter of Zion. I know the truth of God’s word, forgiveness, grace, and mercy because I’ve lived it. I am a living testament of His sovereign power.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2

Click here to check out Tari’s memoir, The Wilderness: Saved & Suicidal.

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