I Was a Woman with a Porn Addiction, Then God Moved

Michaela, Iowa, USA:

[As told to Then God Moved editor Adira Polite]

Four years after I started following Jesus, I became addicted to pornography. It began with a curiosity, but an insatiable appetite quickly developed. With time, I began turning to porn for solace. I was lonely and, like many, I believed the lie that sex offered something Jesus couldn’t. 

Within three months, I’d evolved from a casual viewer into a full-blown addict. I could barely go a day without it. Whereas I once felt that euphoric rush with one go at it, I now had to do it over and over again to get the same feeling. What I really wanted was total, lasting fulfillment — something porn could never deliver.

It was an incredibly dark time. I was trying to continue walking with Jesus, but my addiction had a hold on me. And honestly, I didn’t want to give it up. Similar to most of the world, I wanted nothing more than to satisfy my fleshly desires; unlike many, however, I knew the spiritual cost.

Throughout this struggle, shame kept me quiet. Much of this shame stemmed from a sense of isolation; though the church often discussed porn in relation to men, I’d never even heard of women struggling against any sexual sin, let alone porn. I knew that all of mankind had sinful inclinations, but this shame led me to believe that there was something extra, extra wrong with me. Fortunately, despite my continuous sin, God was with me.`

Gradually, the Lord began to show me the physical, here-and-now, earthly cost of porn — namely, its effect on my brain. For one, the violence and abuse I saw on my screen caused me to be fearful and distrustful of men. I also began comparing the edited and often cosmetically enhanced bodies of porn stars to my own. Most destructively, because I couldn’t seem to stop, I began to doubt God’s ability to redeem. 

When the gravity of my situation hit me, I knew something had to change. It all came down to one decision: choosing God over myself. It truly wasn’t even about choosing God over porn specifically, but over myself — my own plans and my own wayward desires. 

My healing didn’t come overnight. It took years for me to learn how to choose God in the midst of temptation, every time. It’s now so obvious to me that God is more fulfilling and satisfying than porn…not because that’s what I’ve been told, but because I’ve lived it.

The good news is that God can redeem anyone; he’s redeemed me, my sexuality, my view of men, and my self-image. Our freedom was purchased on the Cross! In Christ, we are free; don’t let anyone or anything tell you otherwise.

Let’s be clear, porn addiction is not just a man’s thing! Since I’ve begun sharing my story, I’ve heard from so many women who have fought the same battle. News flash: women are also sexual creatures! God made us all sexual. And He made us sexual for one purpose — His glory. Our sexuality is a reflection of something much, much greater. 

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